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| so..now that everyone ran to facebook and no one is using xanga anymore..this can be my little spot to rant..
i keep hearing timbaland's apologize on the radio..it's starting to grow on me..the whole soft R&B thing..now i've downloaded it and got it on repeat..anyways..so..i hear we were in a rut last week..but now it's all better..now it's great again..until we get into another rut..but that wont be for a while..we'll be too busy to get into a rut..and there isn't anything wrong with running into ruts..it's perfectly normal..every long relationship has it..right? right..so there isn't anything to worry about..it's fine..it's normal..a year and a half and a rut..that's ok..
i think i've hit a "pre"-life crisis..which sorta sucks..and makes me feel like a complete failure..it just seems like everyone else knows what they are doing..atleast everyone that matters..not that there are alot of them..and not that you dont matter..even though i might not even know who YOU really are..everyone else around me denies that i am in a pre-life crisis..they think it's cuse i dont spend enough time thinking and doing new things to "find" what i like ("find" is the word they all use)..but what if there isn't that particular "thing" for me..maybe i didn't spend enough time opening myself to things..maybe i turn things down too quickly..maybe what i like simply doesn't make money..BIG DEAL..i'll just do something i dont care much about for the rest of my life..GRREAT..you see..a mid-life crisis is when ur HALF WAY through your life and you worry about whether or not it had meaning, whether or not you had a full life, whether or not you made yourself or other people happy, whether or not you've become the person who you wanted to be..but a pre-life crisis is much worse..it's much more cowardice.. it's being scared of not being able to become the person you want to be..it's about having doubts and knowing that you dont actually "KNOW" who you wana be. i mean..YES the world is full of possibilities..but the world also full of something we call "PEOPLE" and what if everyone else took up most of the possibilities..and the leftovers are mine..and what if i already chose to not like those FEW possibilities and simply ruled them out of my life..then what? then am i bound to fail? to fail meaning to become someone that i dont want to be..and what happens then? i'll marry someone that i dont want to marry and have kids that i dont want to have and one day realize that i've lived a life that i didnt want..i mean..seriously..life is a long series of choices and what i instead of "A" i picked "B" and now it's a whole different story..what if "B" landed me in crap-life...you see now you think im pessimistic..but really..maybe im just using this pessimism as a way to procrastinate until the day comes that i have to make a decision..it's not like i dont want to believe that the world is a great and beautiful place..and it's not that i dont stop and smell the friggin flowers..I DO..it's just that "and then?" part ..the MEANING..the "nothing" and the "everything" they say life is..now u think im emo..but im not..im just simply confused..SO out of my mind confused..i dont know what i want to do..and i dont know what im GOING to do..and in a year i'll have to decide my major..and ok..so psychology..hip hip hooray..WHAT THE FUCK am i gona do with that? i mean seriously? they say i can go into alot of things..yes..alot of things indeed..a whole lot of things i dont give a damn about..but hey~what am i gona do~? drop out?..lol i worked my ass off for this..for this meaningless piece of crap thing they call a diploma..OH~ so it means i have knowledge..OH GREAT!! so im more educated than the guy who cuts my grass..im so proud..but then what? fuck..i bet my gardener probrobly lives a happier life than what i'll have..i bet HE wasn't as confused as i am now..and please dont think i dont cherish what i have..i do..i LOVE my life..i love my life so far..i love people (im NOT antisocial)..it's just then what?..some ppl wait to take over their parent's work..some ppl know what they wana be..some ppl are buzy working to make money to keep living and keep their family happy..some ppl study and work because it's what is "right" it's what their parents want..but what do i want? i'd like a nice salary when im out of university..i mean THAT is the EASIEST part to decide on..i'd like about $30000 to $40000 starting out..and that's pretty good..coming out of university...i'd be happy with that..but what am i going to do for that money?..where am i going to work..who am i going to work for..? i dont know..it's like back in CAPP class.."explain how you imagine your life be like in 20 years."damnit..if i knew..i wouldn't be wasting my time..i dont know how my life is like in 20 years..i dont even know how my life is going to be in 5 years..*sigh*..so school starts in a week..im planning on seeing a career counsellor so i can waste $15 and an hour of my time..it's great how ubc have all these services to make you feel like u have someone to go to..and you go..so they can refer you to other ppl to see and pay..and they say these are the best years of your life..ok im tired now..and i bet NOBODY read this far..and if u did..im SORRY..now go listen to some will.i.am's i got it from my mama..that song cheers me up..
hi..my name is jocelyn..and im a downer..
i hope you dont drown in my pessimism..
and i hope you dont get hit by a car..it's very dangerous out there..
but school's starting soon..so you dont have a choice..
i'll see you out there..
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| another dawn rises from the water,
burning a path through the surface of waves,
the redness of the sun at the edge of the horizon.
i walk, i walk and i walk, toward the nothingness before me.
the breeze salted by the sea blowing at my hair,
rocks mashed with sand beneath my cold cold feet.
this is the frozen dream i awoke from.
i lied there, in the darkness,
in the waves of thoughtlessness.
my blanket thrown from my bed,
and my body curled towards the wall.
have you ever swam alone?
when only you felt the waves and ripples?
when only you can control the ebb and flow?
next time when you swim alone,
close your eyes and hold our your hands, palms facing away,
and simply pretend in your mind that you are blind.
this is how life is to me.
you see, when you close your eyes,
you cant see the waves,
and you can barely tell how far the end is from your fingertips,
but you can feel the flowing water between you fingers.
you can feel the water slowly rising and falling around your neck.
you can feel your own breath slow and steady,
you can feel the texture of the water on every inch of your skin.
this is life to me,
i cant see whats coming, i cant see the ripples i mite have made,
i dont know how far the end is,
but i know what is at the palms of my hands.
this is why i hold on to what i have at my fingertips.
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| the clouds are blurring the darkening sky,
and without mercy, it swallows the moon whole.
the roads are now abandoned and bare,
nude lines of greying concrete,
the markings of the evening rain, aging.
the street lamps glowing in the emptiness,
it's silence is my secret, my sanctuary.
this is my gift, my words, my heart.
i want to ask of you
for mercy,
for forgiveness,
for acceptance,
for love that should be unconditional.
i'd thank you for teaching me to walk,
but the pain you've inflicted upon me has taught me to walk away.
i'd thank you for teaching me to speak,
but no words would come to my mouth when you turn to close me out.
i'd thank you for your guidance,
but it hurts me when i realize that your priority is just saving face.
i'd thank you for reading this,
but i know, that you are blind from my words.
and you always have been, and will forever be, oblivious of my heart.
in lieu of hope..
i dont hate you,
i just want you to give up the fighting so we can keep moving on in peace.
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"People don't know how to love.
They bite rather than kiss. They slap rather than stroke. Maybe it's because
they recognize how easy it is for love to go bad, to become suddenly
impossible, unworkable, an exercise of futility. So they avoid it and seek solace
in angst, and fear, and aggression, which are always there and readily
available.
Anger and resentment can stop you
in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and
the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when
it isn't. It can change you, turn you, mold you and shape you into something
you're not. The only upside to anger, then, is the person you become. Hopefully
someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the
journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story.
That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a
new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm." -The Upside of Anger. | | |
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